Tag Archives: silly

Dave’s Looking At Porn

I don’t know why I’m even posting this, honestly, except that I just don’t like throwing away old writings. Just a stupid story I thought was funny at the time.

I sat at my desk writing code like any other day at work when my boss Dave stepped out of his office and said, “I have an announcement, everyone. I just want everyone to know that I’m not looking at porn–” he shook his head nervously. “I mean, I am looking at porn, but I’m doing it for legitimate reasons… so if anyone hears any moaning from my speakers or sees naked people in my window, I’m looking at porn for the company… I just didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea… I’m not doing anything nasty back here.”
Chris swiveled around in his seat. “Um… that’s gonna require a little bit more explanation… like what kind of porn, and how do I get on board with this project?”
“I’m checking out this guy’s portfolio–we’re thinking about hiring a new designer–and this guy is pretty good but he’s done a lot of work for porn sites so I have to go check ’em out and see what he can do.”
“So did he give you a bunch of usernames and passwords to these sites?” Chris asked.
“Yeah, actually. He gave me about half a dozen different logins.”
“Dude! Hook me up!”

Wierd Al vs MC Hammer

This a true story I wrote years ago but I’ve just been hanging onto it, not posting it, because, well, it’s just kind of silly and pointless, but because I just can’t stand it sitting in my drafts folder any longer, i’m just going to go ahead and post the damn thing. Here it is. Wierd Al vs MC Hammer.

I was on vacation with my mom, aunt and cousins in Hawaii, driving around in our rented mini-van when the current number one hit, Can’t Touch This, came on the radio. My cousins all shouted “Turn it up! Turn it up!”.

We grooved to the song and my cousins made some comments about how brilliant and hip MC Hammer was. I was definitely an MC Hammer fan at the time. In fact, MC Hammer was the first CD I ever bought, but I still decided to say “I don’t understand why everyone loves this song so much. I mean, it’s cool but why’s it so special? There’s nothing really different or inventive about it, yet everyone’s going nuts over it.”

“Yeah, this coming from the guy who carries around Wierd Al tapes,” said my cousin Brad, and everyone had a good laugh at my expense. “MC Hammer has something called talent. He’s the future of rap, Dude. Wierd Al just rips off other songs and makes stupid jokes.”

“Well, I think Wierd Al will be around longer than MC Hammer,” I said.

They burst into hysterics. “Dear Lord, Kalin, you have a lot to learn about music.”

Originally I thought this was one of those classic “I told you so” moments, but then I looked up MC Hammer and discovered that he has continued putting out albums every couple years ever since his old “Please Hammer, don’t Hurt Em,” and continues making music today. It still remains to be seen who will be around longer.

“According to members of Nirvana interviewed for Behind the Music, when they saw the video [Smells Like Nirvana], they laughed hysterically. Additionally, Cobain described Yankovic as ‘a musical genius.'” -Wikipedia

Classic Rock

Another true story. This one rather dumb and pointless, but it shows how even totally common knowledge can go unknown if a person just by chance is never introduced to it.

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I was drinking with some friends around 2002 at a pub on a crowded friday night when a peculiar song came on the jukebox. At first I simply noticed that it was an oddly mellow and distant tune. As the minutes passed, however, the song slowly built and became more complex, and for a moment I wondered who this was. It continued building and blended into something faster and more energetic, and somehow just continued building cleanly and smoothly from its humble beginnings as a half-hearted ballad to a pounding barrage of intricate and professional guitar and drum workings.

I had to get to the jukebox. I turned to my buddy Peter. “Let me out!” I shouted over the music and crowd. “I gotta find out who plays this song!”

“This song?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “This song kicks ass.”

“This is Free Bird, Dude!”

“Free Bird?” I shouted back. “Who are they? Do they have anything else I’d recognize?”

“No, Free Bird is the song.” He looked at me with a scowl, as though I were a fool for not knowing this.

“I’m not up on new music these days,” I said. “I’ve pretty much only been listening to classic rock stations for the past few years. So do you know who did this? Are they new?”

“This is Lynard Skynard!”

“Lynard Skynard? The Sweet Home Alabama guys?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“They’re making new music?”

“This is a classic Dude! What the hell are you talking about?”

“If this is a classic, how come they don’t play it on the classic rock stations?”

“It’s one of the most overplayed songs in history!”

I shook my head. He was just messin with me. “Come on–Seriously, man. Our society could never agree that much with my taste in music.”

About Cops on Ice Story

I just posted another true story called Cops on Ice, though maybe that’s not the best title since it was only one cop. It’s pretty silly and pointless. I’m not trying to make any political statements with it or anything like that. In fact, I wanted to say that this story has not been a notable factor in my decision to be an anarchist, and has nothing to do with why I don’t support police. It’s just a funny little story that happens to involve a cop being a human. That’s all.

Kalin’s Farmville Game Ideas

Last week, after countless automated requests from Facebook friends, I finally found myself playing (and subsequently addicted to)  Farmville. My first thought, naturally, was “I coulda built this game myself!” and since then my imagination has been running wild with ideas for Farmville ripoff games I could build in Flash. I’ve always wanted to build web games, though my one hangup has been the fact that I can’t make things look good. I can write code and make it functional, but actually making a successful game on my own would be nearly impossible because I don’t have any visual artistic skill. However, these days if I came up with a good idea and a good implementation, I could afford to invest some of my own money and hire an artist.

Unfortunately, I have two other programming projects as well as fifteen or twenty different writing pieces I’m currently working on and on top of that, laziness still pervades my soul, so I probably won’t get around to these ideas.

But I thought my Facebook game ideas were pretty cool so I figured I’d outline them here and see if others think they’d be as cool as I do.

My first idea has the same basic form as Farmville except you are building an underground lair in a side scrolling view instead of a farm in overhead view. At first the terrain of your area would be auto-generated to form a basic platformer game level. You would then buy industries, mines and businesses instead of crops and animals and place them anywhere in your lair. You would also have a spaceship/airplane that you would fly through your level and use to collect the income from your businesses and money-making items in the level.

Then, instead of farm decorations, you would buy turrets, enemies and other obstacles for your level, then you would invite your friends to bring their ship from their own lair and play your level. You could then get a bonus if your level is able to destroy your friend’s ship, or they would get a bonus if they were able to complete your level.

Everything would be upgradable, of course. I could take ideas from numerous other side scrolling plane shooting games and let people buy special weapons and defenses for their ship, perhaps letting them switch out ship components between levels. Boss characters could exist at the end of the levels as well, as again, could be upgraded or perhaps improved through an experience-point system.

The key to the success of this game would be similar to Farmville: it would rely heavily on the Facebook social aspect, giving players bonuses for dragging their friends into the game and relentlessly harass people with free special items. The other key, of course, would be the variety of quality graphics, allowing people to fully customize their level. I would need a good cartoonist or two to pump out countless good-looking graphics. For me, that’s the biggest stumbling block.

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My other idea was fairly similar: you start with your ‘farm’. This one is overhead view and the grid is laid out just like in Farmville. This time, however, you start with automatically generated terrain like mountains and rivers which sit on your grid in the same way Farmville objects sit on their grid in Farmville. Then you buy mining operations, industry and businesses and place them in your land, these items behaving similarly to the money making items in Farmville. You would then need to tend to them in the same way you do your Farmville farm.

But then the important part of this game is buying soldiers, tanks, planes, artillery, transports, ships, etc. You can place them anywhere on your ‘farm’, ready to attack or defend. Then you invite your friends to do combat with your military. If they agree, a battle instance is created and a copy of your land and assets is created, but with your friend’s land tacked on right next to it. The armies then do battle, which may take a few hours to a few weeks to complete.

While in a battle instance, your pieces would have a set movement distance per unit of time. For example, a tank might gain the ability to move 40 pixels every six hours. Once you move it all 40 pixels you’ll have to wait until it’s ready to move again. Once you get within range of your enemy’s army, you could begin firing. Different pieces would have different firing power and different ranges. They could also be set to automatically attack if an enemy moves within range. The number and frequency of shots would of course be limited based on the piece.

This kind of battle would be good for people who want to play against each other but are not online at the same time or can only play for short sessions throughout the day. However, there could be an option where, when you are done moving everything you want to move, you can hit a ‘done – skip ahead’ button, then if your opponent agrees and hits the same button on their turn, both parties will have their movement numbers replenished, easily turning this into a turn-based game.

More than two players could be involved in a single battle. In fact, I believe dozens or more players could be involved in a single battle, each adding their own battlefield onto all the others, without causing any notable performance issues. At the same time, a single player could be involved in numerous different battle instances, since the destruction from the battles would not be permanent.

On top of this main idea, I could add all sorts of other gameplay elements. I was thinking of a skill system similar to EVE Online where your skills continue training when you’re offline. There could be a system of alliances, so the battles are not ‘every man for himself’. Then there could even be cities, perhaps represented as an icon on the map, but then you could drive into them, opening up another area where you could buy decorations, buildings, money-making industries etc. However, your enemies could, of course, come in and attack that city. And as well as your city, you could upgrade your landscape, buying bigger, more interesting mountains and forests and moving rivers, though I’m not sure how that would work from a story perspective–perhaps God rewards you for killing your enemies or something.

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But for now these are just a couple ideas floating around in my head. Maybe I’ll start on one of them if I find myself unemployed again, but until then I still need to get the last of the kinks worked out of my WordPress PDF creation plugin so I can post it to the community.

I also need to keep working on a program I’m building in the Appcelerator/Titanium platform, called “Batch Rename” which gives an interface which creates a script that’s kinda similar to SQL that can parse through a directory and rename, move, delete or copy any files it finds based on regular expression (regex) code. This is probably a lot more useful than any Farmville knockoff, as I actually came across a situation yesterday where I would have used it.

About my new story, The Pee Martini

Today I posted yet another true story The Pee Martini, under my ‘Silly and Pointless’ category, about a time that I accidentally drank a whole bunch of pee. This was back in 1999, and I was a little crazier than I am now in terms of the drugs and alcohol I would do. In this story I seem to be portrayed as a bit of an angry alcoholic, swearing at my friends and calling them bastards because I couldn’t find my vodka, but I’m really not like that normally… or if I am, it’s mostly in good fun and only with friends. Coincidentally a buddy the other day was saying something like “It’s taboo for guys to show affection for each other, so we gotta tell our friends they’re douche-bags instead.” It’s all in good fun, one of my stories that really doesn’t have much of a point beyond being a funny story.

My Spirit Animals One Minute Sketch

My two spirit animals, a crow and coyote
My spirit animals sketch

Just thought I’d post this real quick because I thought it kind of neat.

I was out at the bar a few nights ago and someone randomly asked me what my favorite animal was. I said “Either a crow or a coyote.” I was thinking of my two experiences with those animals, one as a kid where I was surrounded by a pack of coyotes while eating Fruity Pebbles Cereal and another where a flock of crows attacked me trying to get me to drop my take-out box of delicious barbecue. She brought out her sketch pad and started drawing faster than I think I’ve ever seen anyone draw and a minute later, gave me this:

(ugh, looks like the automatic PDF generator doesn’t handle images very well, not that you need to see this entry in PDF. I’d sure like to build my own PDF generator if only I had the time.)

New True Story: Twinkies and Ho Hos

I just posted a new, very short true story under my ‘silly and pointless’ category, called Twinkies and Ho Hos. I personally think it’s a pretty funny little story about some of my little quirks. I suppose it’s not entirely pointless because it draws attention to the health crisis in modern society.

I’ve been on a real obesity kick lately. In fact, I’m riding my exercise bike as I type this. I’m not sure how I got on this kick exactly. Perhaps it’s because of Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution on Hulu or the fact that I got plantar fasciitis recently in my foot and when reading up on it, found that fat people get it a lot more because of all the weight we’re putting on our feet. As an overweight man who walks long distances on a regular basis, my feet can take a beating. Or perhaps its because I want to be more attractive to the ladies. One way or the other, I’m determined to get into shape. Hopefully writing about it will help because everyone will know if I fail.

So on a related topic, I am dumbfounded that our government can justify outlawing marijuana and other drugs, spreading hatred and destroying lives over things that have never killed anyone, but won’t do a thing about the obesity epidemic and continues to allow McDonald’s and Taco Bell to market themselves as though they are actually selling food as opposed to garbage. I know someone, for example, who thinks I’m insane for not supporting law enforcement and has repeatedly made an example out of nudity and says that if we didn’t have laws, half the people would be running around naked, as though that would be some kind of miserable society and something we don’t have the capacity to get used to. But she is obese, and doesn’t seem to consider how she (and admittedly myself as well) appears to others, especially  children (and hungry people in other parts of the world). Kids see us and think that if it’s okay for us to neglect and disrespect our bodies, it’s fine for them too. It’s not okay to get piss drunk in front of children, so why should it be okay to be unhealthy in other ways in front of them?

We often make rules in schools that kids must wear uniforms because we don’t approve of their choice of clothing, but for some reason there’s no rules against teachers being morbidly obese.

Many people are disgusted by obesity in the same way my acquaintance is disgusted by nudity (perhaps the obesity issue is part of the reason so many people are opposed to nudity). But people who want their partners to be thin and healthy are portrayed as being “shallow”, and “only concerned with appearance”, and this idea is becoming more prominent, and overweight people seem to be increasingly convinced that they should be treated the same as everyone else, and in some cases get special treatment, and that they deserve to be seen as just as attractive as healthy people. We’ve reached a point where overweight people outnumber the healthy ones and are having a real affect on politics. This is only going to make things worse.

I think what might be what got to me was the high-school student on Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution whose doctor told her that she only had seven years to live because of her unhealthy eating habits. This wasn’t someone he seeked out to make an example out of. This was someone who just showed up and wanted to help Jamie in exchange for getting some help herself. And I have met people who were bigger than her.

I know this is an angry, possibly offensive rant, but I’m as angry with myself as anyone else. I’ve been overweight most of my life and even during the times when I was skinny, it was  because I wasn’t eating much rather than because I’d actually gained a healthy lifestyle, so this entry is sort of myself demanding that I make a real, long-term change in my life.

Okay, I’ve been on the exercise bike for two straight hours now (the first hour I spent playing Mario Kart Wii) and I’ve soaked through two bath towels, so I think I can afford to give myself a break and start working from my big computer.

The Squirrel: Pointless Nonsense

The other day a squirrel was foraging by the sidewalk and when I came near he scampered up a tree. The decorative trees in the city are pretty small and far apart so he had nowhere to run and hide so I held out my hand and asked him if he wanted a peanut. After a few seconds he climbed down to the lower branches. He grabbed my fingers and opened my hand and when he couldn’t find anything checked the back of my hand and between my fingers. He paused a quick moment before giving my finger a good bite, not enough to break the skin; just enough to let me know he thought I was an asshole.

So that story had nothing to do with anything. It’s not even that funny or interesting… so here’s something else totally pointless that has nothing to do with anything:

I’m kinda trying to figure out what I’m doing with this blog. The advice I read all says that I should stick to a single topic, which I suppose in this case would be anarchism, and perhaps atheism as well, which would both fall under the same topic of the theories that I truly believe could bring peace and harmony to our world. The problem is that those subjects get really heavy and depressing sometimes and most people don’t want to listen to what people like me have to say because they don’t want to consider revamping their whole mode of thinking about society.

My old website was called Get to Know a Marijuana Dealer, and my intent was to talk about myself and try to show that marijuana dealers are generally decent people who care about right and wrong just as much as everyone else. Instead I mostly used the site to rant about problems in society and other people’s lack of morality. People seemed to enjoy my rants, and I had lots of readers, but I never felt like I’d accomplished any of my goals. Sometimes I think KalinBooks should become something like Get to Know an Atheist/Anarchist Who Used to Sell Marijuana. Perhaps posting random crap that happens to be on my mind is the best way to do that, and helps lighten the mood between the times when I talk about the horrifying things that I’ve seen done in the name of God, Jesus and law enforcement.

My Fruity Pebbles Cereal Coyote Attack

I just posted My Spirit Animal, which is a story about a time I met a pack of coyotes while eating Fruity Pebbles Cereal as a child.

This is a spoiler, though I don’t think it matters much since it’s such a short story, but this experience helped teach me about how easily we can misunderstand the intentions of others and believe, based on stereotypes that we don’t recognize as stereotypes, that certain types of people–or in this case, animals–have malicious intentions when they do not.

I still love Fruity Pebbles Cereal to this day, though I usually buy the generic version. I especially enjoy them when substituted for Rice Krispies in Rice Krispies treats.