The Library Terrorist

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So this one time when I was about 10, I went to the library after school and had to take a big dump, so I went into the men’s room and put my book bag on the floor outside of the stall. A couple minutes later someone came in and used the urinal, and I heard him say, “Hmm” and sort of mutter to himself. He stood around for a minute or two and then left.

A couple minutes later I heard a woman’s voice from outside saying to the man, “Okay I’ll take a look,” and recognized her as the librarian.

The woman walked into the bathroom, saying “Hmmm,” to herself, “Hmmmm?”

So I kept quiet and watched the woman through the cracks in the stall as she walked into the men’s room and wandered around, saying “Hmmm… hmmm…”, sounding very concerned about something.

She left, and I was still pooping, thinking, What the hell?

 And a couple minutes later the woman returned, and said, “See it’s right there.”

And behind her another man came in, looked around, and said, “Hmmm… hmmm…” He walked further into the restroom and I noticed that it was a cop.

“I’m sure glad you happened to be here,” said the woman.

“Yeah, lucky,” he replied, then went back to saying “Hmmm…” to himself. He walked right in front of the stall and asked the woman, “So you didn’t see anyone else?”

“No. No one,” she told him.

“Well, it’s probably nothing,” said the cop, “but I’d better call the bomb squad just in case. I don’t really want to touch it.”

So finally I spoke up and asked, “What are you guys talking about?”

And the woman screamed loud enough that it echoed through the restroom and I instinctively brought my hands to my ears, and I saw her through the crack jumping backward and putting her hand on the counter for balance.

“Woah,” said the police officer. “There’s someone here. How long have you been there?”

“Like ten minutes,” I said.

“Is this your bag here?” the cop asked.

“Uh… Yeah,” I said. “Whose did you think it was?”

“We didn’t know!” gasped the librarian.

“I’m the closest person to it,” I said.

“We had no idea you were here!”

“Didn’t you look under the stalls?” I asked.

“Yeah,” replied the cop. “I’ll probably try that next time.”

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