Kalin’s True Stories

These are true stories, but I should be clear that I cannot guarantee the accuracy of these accounts. I tried to portray things as close to how they actually happened as I possibly could, but was forced to make educated guesses about certain details. I have not knowingly changed anything but due to how long ago many of them occurred I must call them dramatizations of real events.

Read all of these true stories as a single PDF




The Jalapeno of Justice

In my junior year of high-school I went to a party at a friend's house with my girlfriend. If I remember correctly the person's parents were out of town that weekend and they weren't informed that this would be happening, but even so the hosts made it very clear that they did not want any drugs or a...

Free Drugs

The time I popped some mystery pills to get high.

One day around ’98, I was hanging out in my apartment with my roommate when our friend Geri showed up to hang out and smoke some weed. “The craziest thing happened to me on the way over here. Check this out.” And Geri pulled out a condom, tied at the top, filled with about twelve little pil...

Field of Dead Bodies

The time God spoke to me and explained that capitalism is murder.

Around 1998 I began experimenting with a wide variety of the safer, more natural recreational drugs like marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms. Shortly thereafter my drug use led me to experiment with religion, spirits and prayer (so technically marijuana was a gateway drug into something much more da...

The Flood

Our struggle to save the plants from the flood we caused ourselves with the garden hose.

I found myself barefoot on a hot summer day with my friend McLean, playing with a hose, spraying each other with water or forming little streams in the driveway. We ran around the house, inventing things to do with running water, and eventually found ourselves climbing through the window into my mot...

Search my Apartment for Dead Bodies

The cops searched my apartment for dead bodies, but all they found was lots and lots of marijuana.

Around 2007, I had been a developer in Adobe Flash for a few years and was working from home for a little startup, building online video editing software. We had a tiny office in Seattle, but most of the employees were scattered throughout the world. Our server team worked out of Argentina, we had a...

My Intro to Capitalism

The time I learned that stealing water is a heinous crime, regardless of how dehydrated you are.

It was a hot day as I sat by myself at my cousin's Little League game. I don't recall how old I was. Somewhere between five and ten. My aunt had brought some delicious oatmeal-raisin cookies, but no water. After eating a cookie, I quickly realized how thirsty I was and wandered off to find a drinkin...

Just a Coincidence

A string of creepy coincidences.

A knock came at the door next to me as I sat on my couch, chatting with my friend Ken. I reached over my shoulder and had the door open within a few seconds of the initial knock. But I looked out the door and saw no one. I got up from the couch to take a closer look and saw a small package sittin...

The Sacred Rules of the Drive-Thru

How the discriminatory policies of the fast food drive-thru put everyone at risk.

Part 1: Christmas Day One Christmas Day, around 2001 or so, I was all by myself since my family had celebrated the day before and all my friends were off opening presents. I was hungry. I had no food in my kitchen and no car, so I grabbed my bike and rode downtown toward The Ranch Room, one of Bell...

Stockholm Syndrome

The story of my eye-opening trip to jail.

I stood at a counter in the back of a high-volume fish and chips restaurant breading cod when the kitchen manager, Rob, grabbed me and invited me to smoke a bowl in the outside storage area. I normally did not smoke pot at work, however I would usually make an exception when my boss insisted. I left...

Alekson

A true story of my roommate pulling a knife on a mutual friend over a spiritual disagreement.

My roommate, Aleks, burst from his room one afternoon in 1998 as I sat on the couch in the living room. “Do you feel that?” he asked. “Feel what?” “That evil...” “You feel an evil presence?” “Yeah... a demon... an evil force just descended on us.” “I don't feel a...

The Jesus Leap

A story about Jesus, spellcasting, magic, and a terrifying leap of faith.

I sat on the floor playing my old-school Nintendo system when my roommate, Aleks came through the front door, breathing heavily and shaking. He started pacing back and forth across the living room as he talked. "Dude," he said. "I need your help, Dude. It's Josh. He's going to do something really cr...

Cops on Ice

Cops watch DVDs, drive too close and sometimes run people over just like everyone else.

The ground was covered in snow and the roads in ice one morning at 11:45 AM around 2005. I didn't like driving in this weather because we only had snow once every couple years. Normally I would simply walk everywhere during this kind of weather, but today I needed to get a couple videos back to Bloc...

Middle Finger Justice

A story about living next door to an infamous local murderer, Isaac Zamora, and where he got his violent tendencies.

With the exception of Isaac Zamora, all the names in this story have been changed because they don't deserve to have this page come up when they google themselves. I apologize if I offend anyone involved, especially if you don't believe this incident actually occurred. Admittedly I was very young, b...

The Pee Martini

The time I took some Valium and drank some vodka at a Dave Matthews concert and wound up chugging my buddy's urine.

In the summer of 1999 I went to The Gorge in George, a huge amphitheater in the middle of nowhere for Ozzfest with my friends Brandon and Jeremy, my ex-girlfriend Shannon, and a few others. We arrived the night before so we could camp and hit the festival as it opened at noon. However, Dave Matthews...

The Lake Shore

Some memorable sex on the lake shore.

On Halloween one year I found myself driving aimlessly with my girlfriend in the outskirts of Skagit Valley. Somehow we stumbled upon a small, secluded lake, right off a well-paved but mostly unused road. We saw development signs scattered around one side of this lake with maps, sales pitches, artis...

Twinkies and Ho Hos

A Twinkie and Ho Ho bacon-cheese burger.

I was working the line on a busy saturday at the Village Inn Pub, flipping burgers and steaks, making salads, dropping french fries, when the owner, Mare, walked in and said, “I’m going to the bread store. Does anyone need anything?” This was kind of a ridiculous question, and one she had n...

The Grumpy Old Man

Sometimes it's just not worth the time and energy to explain to the kids what they did wrong.

McLean and I were out riding our bikes at about 12 or 13 when we found ourselves at a KOA campground and decided to stop to grab a little junk food. There was some kind of confusion about where to put our bikes, and for some reason we couldn't leave them near the front door. Most of the camping spot...

The Borrowed Car

The time a complete stranger loaned me her car to buy a quarter-pound of weed and craziness ensued.

I ran out of sellable quantities of weed one night. Sure I had enough to smoke myself, but other people kept calling me, looking for sacks, so I felt frustrated that I couldn’t hook them up. I decided to go through a different person to buy my usual quarter-pound, so I talked to my friend Aleks...

My Spirit Animal

While eating Fruity Pebbles out of the box, I thought I would be attacked by coyotes.

One day when I was about 10, after coming back from the grocery story, I grabbed my big box of Fruity Pebbles and wandered out into the yard. I headed toward the stream at the edge of the woods, but stopped at the edge of our yard when I heard a loud rustling in the bushes in front of me. Hearing an...

My Near Death Experience on The Nooksack River

The time I came face-to-face with the underside of a massive pile of logs on the nooksack river. This is my favorite near death experience.

I floated on my inner tube through the freezing water on a hot summer's day. I paddled to the left, toward the biggest rapids and coasted through. I saw my friend, McLean, up ahead on his own tube. He called to me but I couldn't make out what he was saying. He pointed to the shore. I looked in that ...

Blind For An Hour

I closed my eyes and refused to open them until my buddy got his sight back.

I once lived with an individual named Aleks, who was… well… overly emotional about certain things… he also liked to drink. We both liked to drink. One night we had a small party and started rapidly drinking our Poncho Villa tequila with my girlfriend Becca, Aleks’ girlfriend Jeneca, our f...

The Drunken Porch Dive

A drunken redneck, a drunken Link (from Legend of Zelda) and one amazing acrobatic leap of faith.

On Halloween one year I dressed up as a redneck with a dirty old delivery uniform shirt, some buck teeth, a Hooters baseball cap and most importantly, a 24 ounce can of Rainier beer, which I insisted on pronouncing Ron-Yay. I went to a party at my friend McLean’s house and opened my beer. I dra...

Drunken Couch Surfing

A friend thought I was an alcoholic hallucination and refused to surf my couch.

One night I went to a party and got rather drunk. It snowed that night, which was an extreme rarity, and we all went out and threw snowballs and walked through the park, soaking our feet. I made it home a little after 3:00 AM, ready to hit the bed so I could be up again and off to work by 10:00. ...

This Aint Your Car

Oh... sorry I thought this was his.

I arrived at work one day and the day cook named Gary told me a story of his two vehicles that had both recently broken down, and asked me to drive him down the street about a mile to his car that had not made it all the way to work that morning. The bartender agreed to hold all orders until I got b...

The Dog Trap

The wackiest dog attack ever.

One day I went to a 7-11 to buy some junk food from a friend’s house who lived behind the store. In the back was a large dog tied to a railing on an extremely long leash. He seemed perfectly nice and behaved as I came around him the first time, but as I was leaving with a bag of soda, chips and ca...

Attack of the Crows

The day I got some wicked good barbecue and the crows attacked me for it.

One day I walked a couple blocks to a little barbeque restaurant called Speakeasy’s. I purchased a pulled pork sandwich with a side of herb and garlic mashed potatoes, a fresh corn muffin, and some spicy pepper coleslaw. Normally I would eat in the restaurant, but today I got my meal to go. On ...

The Library Terrorist

The day the library was attacked.

So this one time when I was about 10, I went to the library after school and had to take a big dump, so I went into the men’s room and put my book bag on the floor outside of the stall. A couple minutes later someone came in and used the urinal, and I heard him say, “Hmm” and sort of mutter to...

Kids These Days

A punk kid tries to do something nice for his girlfriend... no good deed goes unpunished.

It was well after midnight and I was at the grocery store with a friend. At this time of night, there were only a few employees in the store, and only a single cashier. There were two people in front of us. One was a middle aged man paying for his items at the register. The cashier was a middle aged...

Free Pepsi At Dennys

A homeless man forced me to take a handout while my waitress talked about snakes.

One day when I was about 17, I went to Denny’s with my girlfriend for lunch. Our waitress was an interesting lady, but brought us a satisfying meal of cheese sticks and coffee. After our meal we headed to the checkout counter to pay up. At the edge of the counter, occupying the last barstool wa...

Beer Smokers

A few dumb jocks are on a hunt to beat up hippie pot smokers.

I went to a park at the beach with two friends, Aleks, and his girlfriend, Jeneca. It was late night, probably after midnight and we had walked a couple miles to get here, just to hang out and smoke weed. We sat down on a park bench that faced out to the ocean and loaded a bowl and started smokin...

Delusional Shoplifting

The day I thought I had been possessed by a klepto demon and would spend the rest of my life in a mental institution.

So this one time when I was about 13 I went into a hardware store to buy a cd rack for my music collection. I stood in line at the checkout for about 5 minutes as two or three people had purchases to make before me. I paid for my cd rack and told the cashier that I didn’t need a bag since it was o...




Blog Posts – Here’s some blog posts that include true stories that for one reason or another don’t deserve their own page, or include my thoughts on one of the stories above.

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KalinBooks.com is the ramblings of Kalin Ringkvist, a science fiction author with a passion for peace and freedom.